ASK THE MAJOR
Major Nikama Shiksaa
Ask questions of Major Nikama Shiksaa, exchange officer from the planet Visalia aboard the Starship Starship. Here are some questions that she has answered so far. See the end of this page for instructions on how to submit a question to the Major.
"How do you like working with Humans?"
from Bill Anderson, Earth
The Major says:
Humans make no sense. They are preoccupied with mating rituals, and have the distasteful habit of occasionally being nice. I work with them because I have been ordered to by the Visalian High Command. It is not an adventure; it is just a job.
"Do people on your home planet hate Ally McBeal as much as I do?"
from Sally Auckland, Earth
The Major says:
One of the most unfortunate aspects of Visalia-Earth trade are your historical entertainment video recordings. "Ally McBeal" is one of them. Ally is the anti-Visalian. Whining, never eating, basing her self-worth on the opinions of mere males. I do not know how much you hate Ally McBeal, but the chances of your hating her more than my people do are not good.
"Knowing that the future will bring about a change in fashionwear for Earthlings, what is your advice for someone like me who enjoys wearing Earth clothes but may have to get used to Siriun uniforms, with a 'V' motif. A change of color may be the only variation for Siriuswear. Is it possible to build a designer fashion industry on Sirius much like the one on Earth at the moment?"
from Tracey Dodd, Earth
The Major says:
Yes. However, I would not shop there.
"What do you think of Earth's chances of survival?"
from James Napoli, Earth
The Major says:
Reasonably good. But one can hope.
"What is an Earthling's most annoying quality?"
from Morgana Rae, Earth
The Major says:
Ordering me to answer stupid questions.
"Are you busy Saturday night?"
from Sam Larson, Earth
The Major says:
I am always busy. Visalians do not engage in leisure.
"What's the difference between ketchup and catsup?"
from Caitlin Gillman, Earth
The Major says:
For this question I consulted my colleague, Lt. Benjamin Guinness of the Starship Starship. He advised me that there is no difference between ketchup and catsup. They are merely two spellings of the same food item. This is another example of how Humans make no sense. Even your condiments have two names.
"Why do you try to break or beat up everything? Your insurance premiums must be ridiculous."
from Phillip Carlson, Earth
The Major says:
I do not break or beat up everything, merely things that annoy me. It is regrettable that most things annoy me. However, Visalians do not have insurance as you Humans do. You sue. We hit back.
"Do Visalians like chocolate?"
from Lori Schwartz, Earth
The Major says:
All sentient beings like chocolate. I believe the Human phrase is "Duh."
"What are you doing on Saturday night?"
from Daniel Borowicz, Earth
The Major says:
Why are Humans preoccupied with another being's activities on Saturday night? Very well...I intend to:
All of this may change if Starship circumstances permit me to shoot something. Ask me ever again about Saturday night and I will shoot you.
"How come you're only a Major?"
from Norbert Jeffries, Earth
The Major says:
Because I cannot be a Major and a Commander at the same time.
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
from Bret Shefter, Earth
The Major says:
I am informed that a woodchuck is a small Earth creature, and that "chuck" is also an Earth word meaning "throw." A woodchuck could chuck an infinite amount of wood if it made the effort typical of a Visalian. If, instead, it made a typical Human effort, it would hire someone else to chuck the wood for it.
"What do people on your home planet eat?"
from Don Tsuchiyama, Planet of Origin Withheld By Request
The Major says:
Food.
"What is the meaning of 'fun' and why do blondes have more of it?"
from Gail Burman, Earth
The Major says:
Visalians do not have "fun." We understand that Humans define "fun "as "enjoyment of an activity." Very well. I enjoy shooting things. Visalians with blonde hair are no different from Visalians with any other color of hair, but in my own case this blonde has more fun because I am a very accurate shot.
"I was promised as a child to a man I do not love. Instead I love another. I realize this is not logical, but what can I do?"
from T'Pring, Vulcan
The Major says:
When I have difficulty making a decision I always opt for a fight to the death. Also, I find that wanting is not so pleasing a thing as having. Cease whining and take the one you want. Who are you, Ally McBeal?
"How can I incapacitate my mother-in-law?"
from Name and Planet Withheld by Request
The Major says:
Be grateful that I was not given your name or location. On Visalia, mothers-in-law are held in high esteem, as are all Visalian females. No Visalian female would ever attempt so dishonorable an act as you suggest. Any attempt by a male to incapacitate his mother-in-law would be punishable by death. Although Visalia has abolished the death penalty, this will not save the life of the son-in-law from termination at the bare hands of his soon-to-be lucky widow. If you wish, however, to incapacitate your father-in-law, we will talk.
TO SUBMIT A QUESTION TO MAJOR SHIKSAA, CLICK HERE AND TYPE "ASK THE MAJOR" IN THE SUBJECT LINE.